Sketches New and Old

By Mark Twain

Page 0

...SKETCHES NEW AND OLD

By Mark Twain



CONTENTS:

Preface
My Watch
Political Economy
...

Page 1

... ...

Page 2

...that it ticked like a tolling bell. I began to be left by
trains, I...

Page 3

...over under his
glass; and then he said there appeared to be something the matter with
the...

Page 4

...wisest
men of all ages have brought to bear upon this...

Page 5

...the spiral-twist and would take that brand.
Then he said he could make two hundred and...

Page 6

...of touch up the other
chimneys a little, and thus "add to the generous 'coup d'oeil'...

Page 7

...political economist than chief of police.
Cicero frequently said that political...

Page 8

...intervals to the composition,
not of frivolous rhymes, but of essays...

Page 9

...galleries, so to
speak. In five minutes there was not a spectator within half a...

Page 10

...THEN IN FRENCH. THEN CLAWED BACK INTO A CIVILIZED LANGUAGE
ONCE MORE BY PATIENT, UNREMUNERATED...

Page 11

...it is the worst I ever saw; and yet the French are
called a polished nation....

Page 12

...of transcendent genius in 'finesse.' I let him go
on in his own way, and...

Page 13

...for his inf'nite mercy--and coming on
so smart that with the blessing of Prov'dence she'd get...

Page 14

...dog had him in the
door, so to speak, and he 'peared surprised, and then he...

Page 15

...no idea he'd
been doin' any more'n any frog might do. You never see a frog...

Page 16

...prized his mouth open and took a teaspoon and
filled him full of quail-shot--filled him pretty...

Page 17

...Smiley had a yaller one-eyed cow that didn't have no
tail, only just a short stump...

Page 18

...mieux, grace a l'infinie misericorde tellement mieux qu'avec la
benediction de la Providence elle s'en tirerait,...

Page 19

...derriere, puisque c'est par la
que je les bats?--il s'en alla en clopinant, et se coucha...

Page 20

...Smiley etait monstrueusement fier de sa grenouille, et il en
avait le droit, car des gens...

Page 21

...enclume, il n'avancait pas plus
que si on l'eut mis a l'ancre. Smiley fut surpris et...

Page 22

...he himself laid always for a combat of cats, for a combat of cocks
--by-blue! ...

Page 23

...he was ordinary; but as
soon as the game made, she becomes another dog. Her...

Page 24

...was the
education, but with the education she could do nearly all--and I him
believe. Tenez,...

Page 25

...of the experience, and possible that you not be but
an amateur. Of all manner...

Page 26

...the skin of the neck, him lifted and said:

"The wolf me bite if he no...

Page 27

...He was smoking a cigar, and
trying to think of a word, and in pawing his...

Page 28

...and his countenance grew portentous. It was
easy to see that something was wrong. ...

Page 29

...they want to save their abandoned reptile carcasses the cowhiding
they...

Page 30

...account to settle with you. If you are at
leisure we will begin."

"I have an...

Page 31

...next three hours I had been
through perils so awful that all peace of mind and...

Page 32

...with you, and freckles me with bullet-holes till my
skin won't hold my principles; you go...

Page 33

...that kind. She was rather stout than
otherwise, and she was not pious; moreover, she...

Page 34

...pantaloons that are short in the legs, and women
with the waists of their dresses under...

Page 35

...get drowned; and all the bad
boys who get caught out in storms when they are...

Page 36

...just said it was wrong to lie,
and that was sufficient for him. And he...

Page 37

...and then chased him home, saying, "Hi! hi!" as he
proceeded. That was the ambition...

Page 38

...of the
books. Jacob looked them all over to see.

One thing that Jacob wanted to...

Page 39

...captain asked for his recommendations he
proudly drew out a tract and pointed to the word,...

Page 40

...the birds; because,
although the bulk of him came down all right in a tree-top in...

Page 41

... While other bards shall walk these dells,
...

Page 42

...for the reason that the fish do not bite anywhere, and
so there is no use...

Page 43

...this sort of crime.

Any day, in the hands of these photographers, you may see stately

pictures...

Page 44

...of water thundering down from above, and speech was in
vain in the midst of such...

Page 45

...the bridge leading over
to Luna Island, I came upon a noble Son of the Forest...

Page 46

...and High
Muck-a-Mucks, the paleface from the land of the setting sun greets you!
You, Beneficent Polecat--you,...

Page 47

...put a pipe
in his mouth, and lit a match, and followed me with one eye...

Page 48

...you are always figuring out how
many women have been burned to death because of the...

Page 49

...as you are
yourselves, by your villainous "moral statistics"? Now I don't approve
of dissipation, and...

Page 50

...go his pile on "Kings-and" (calklatin' to fill, but
which he...

Page 51

... ...

Page 52

...and rank in
California this year, I would encourage you to continue writing, Simon
Wheeler; but, as...

Page 53

...over it. It isn't poetical, but
it is mighty sound doctrine.


...

Page 54

...and now you can prosecute her for bigamy, in
subsequently marrying Jones. But there is...

Page 55

...Signorina ____ had finished that exquisite melody, "The Last Rose of
Summer," one of these floral...

Page 56

...of laudanum, and more than a dozen
tablespoonfuls of strong spirits of camphor. The reason...

Page 57

...her preference for alighting on her head shall
be respected, and, therefore, that the elevation chosen...

Page 58

...them off a fence on a frosty
night by insinuating the end of a warm board...

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...it a grave question in our minds as
it once was in the mind of Blackstone,...

Page 60

...this hastily
penned advice and information. Whenever they are ready to go to raising
poultry, let...

Page 61

...But there is a want of logic in your
last remark which--"

However, she was gone with...

Page 62

...regularly."

"Oh, I know it, but there's something frightful about it now. His nurse
is too...

Page 63

...poor
perishing thing a tablespoonful, and try to be quick!"

"Why, my dear, a tablespoonful might--"

"Don't drive...

Page 64

...gone to bed. Where is the goose grease?"

"On the mantelpiece in the nursery. ...

Page 65

...soul is worn out. Just at
broad daylight I felt a grip on my shoulder...

Page 66

...indeed, and I was very proud of it, too. I was a
printer's "devil," and...

Page 67

...riven from head to heel by what I
regarded as a perfect thunderbolt of humor, and...

Page 68

...heart. (I don't know what balm is, but I believe it is the
correct expression to...

Page 69

..."What made you carry on so toward the last?"

I said: "I was trying to make...

Page 70

...the Gazette?" and proceed
to read the paragraph while the sufferer reins in his impatient pen...

Page 71

...the agonized parents never could
have recovered it in this world, gallantly sprang into the stream,...

Page 72

...in death, the bold
navigator partly fulfilled his contract. In his will, which he had...

Page 73

...moments he sent for me, and forgave me
everything, and, weeping, gave me the beef contract.

This...

Page 74

...Postmaster-General;
I besieged the Agricultural Department; I waylaid the Speaker of the
House of Representatives. They...

Page 75

...shoulders, and the clerks smiled back at them, and
all went merry as a marriage bell....

Page 76

...was absent.

"Then how do you know that Mackenzie is dead?"

"Because he certainly died at that...

Page 77

...whom I bequeathed it died. I know
nothing further about the contract, or any one...

Page 78

...made any claim upon the government.

In the course of time Fisher died, and his widow...

Page 79

...award of
$8,873 from date of destruction of the property (1813) up to 1832!
Result, $10,004.89 for...

Page 80

...Indians destroyed, but was responsible
for the property destroyed by the troops--which property consisted of (I
quote...

Page 81

...it in
writing. That part of the brief never got before Congress, nor has
Congress ever...

Page 82

...10 dollars, ............. 5,500.00
To 86 head of drove...

Page 83

...$67,000 already paid to
George Fisher's implacable heirs, Mr. Floyd announced that the government
was still indebted...

Page 84

...a commentary is this upon human justice! What sad prominence it
gives to our human...

Page 85

...captured a wretched knave of a Chinaman who was stealing
chickens, and brought him gloriously to...

Page 86

...was a high and holy thing to
stone a Chinaman, and yet he no sooner attempts...

Page 87

...killing
the husband of a bright, pretty Mexican woman. It was a lazy summer day,
and an...

Page 88

...reckon she did? Why, she turned on that smirking
Spanish fool like a wildcat, and...

Page 89

...or around there somewhere. He only said, in his
patient way, that it was gone,...

Page 90

...how he came to go to the
new island we have bought--St. Thomas. But he...

Page 91

...signal service, provisions, Ants and
Tumble-Bugs to fetch and carry and delve, Spiders to carry the...

Page 92

...note of the
discovery of the world's end, and the nature of it.

"Profound mind!" said Professor...

Page 93

...uncoiling after reflection, "this is dead
summer-time."

"Very well," said the Turtle, "we are far from our...

Page 94

...not possible, nay
certain, that this last is the Autumnal Equi--"

"O-o-o!" "O-o-o! go to bed!...

Page 95

...leaned his right elbow on
Inspector Lizard's shoulder, and--

But the shoulder was indignantly withdrawn and the...

Page 96

...as met our view! Norway Rat was
perched upon the summit engaged in thrusting his...

Page 97

...spread disaster and desolation far and
wide in the earth."

After another day devoted to rest and...

Page 98

...but
felt a smart sudden burn on the soles of his feet, accompanied by a
paralyzing shock,...

Page 99

...each compartment which were
considered to have been living creatures at one time, though now the...

Page 100

...value to science was considered to be inestimable.

A critical examination of some of the lower...

Page 101

...BILLIARDS. ...

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...FOSSILS,
...

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...dreadful to hear and
made one long that it might rend itself and perish, and so...

Page 104

...AND BONE ORNAMENTS OF PRIMEVAL
MAN.' Some of these seemed to be rude weapons chipped out...

Page 105

...confirmed, in a remarkable
way, certain treasured traditions of the ancients. The translation was
slightly marred...

Page 106

...of in the records of
science, but yet in no manner marring its authenticity. Let...

Page 107

...Tortoises
and send it home to the king's museum, which was done; and when it
arrived it...

Page 108

...absence and its
faithful endeavors, and was received with a mighty ovation by the whole
grateful country....

Page 109

...It would not do you any good.
If any letters came...

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... ...

Page 111

...me with the religious element among my
constituents. But that my political murder might be...

Page 112

...man was famous.
Treasure these thoughts.

'Poesy,...

Page 113

...ruinous epistle! Distraction!"

"Well, sir, I am really sorry if there is anything wrong about...

Page 114

...compassing
all the desirable objects so considered by others, and, therefore,
...

Page 115

... Mrs. C. wore also a white
bodice, cut bias, with Pompadour sleeves, flounced with ruches;...

Page 116

...then, with suffering such as only
a mother can know, he destroys the pretty children of...

Page 117

...use; the anchors came
home every time, and away they went with the northeast trades drifting
off...

Page 118

...only way to
keep her tears out of the gravy. Riley said there never was...

Page 119

...been engaged eighty years, but their parents persistently
refused their consent until three days ago.

John Wagner...

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...the legal quibble of Sturgis
by pronouncing that old sledge was a game of chance.


"What do...

Page 121

...as old sledge
or seven-up is eminently a game of science...

Page 122

...were the sons of soap-boilers.
With a malevolence which is without parallel in history, he would...

Page 123

...the
hoary Sabbath-breaker. If anybody caught him playing "mumblepeg" by
himself, after the age of sixty,...

Page 124

...this
program, rigidly inflicted, will make a Franklin of every father's fool.
It is time these gentlemen...

Page 125

...moment sooner, must
inevitably have frightened the animal still more instead...

Page 126

...wouldn't receive his communication at such a late hour;
but no, his snuffling distress touched my...

Page 127

...shouting
and gesticulating, if he wanted to stop him? And how the mischief could
he get...

Page 128

...to Ulrich, the succession should pass to my house, provided a son
were born to me....

Page 129

...the Premier's chair, which stands at the foot of the
throne. Do this until you...

Page 130

...in a remote apartment of the palace a scene of a different nature
was transpiring. ...

Page 131

...startled him. The
girl haunted him; she hunted him; she happened upon him at all...

Page 132

...about the palace. It grew
louder; it spread farther. The gossips of the city...

Page 133

...Justice said quickly:

"Not there, your Grace, not there! It is not lawful to pronounce
judgment...

Page 134

...and

Whereas, Under our laws, the right of property in the literary result of
a citizen's intellectual...

Page 135

...my heart more than I can tell, yesterday, when
I witnessed the spectacle of an Englishman...

Page 136

...fourth of July. It is a
fair and legitimate time to fly the eagle. ...

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...attractiveness a lift with rancid butter. She wears a
reddish check handkerchief, cast loosely around...

Page 138

...was too sad, too dreadful. The woman seemed surprised at my
grief. I told...

Page 139

...camellia
to wear at his execution."]

"You will live in New Hampshire. In your sharp need...

Page 140

...of the land the next! A bloody and
hateful devil--a bewept, bewailed, and sainted martyr--all...

Page 141

...down. Such was the Baldwin case. The trial was long and
exciting; the community...

Page 142

...Feldner coming down the street with
his wife on his arm, and then, as the couple...

Page 143

...volunteered the remark that she was
afraid those men had murdered her mistress! Afterward, by...

Page 144

...you were
insane--but now, if you, having friends and money, kill a man, it is
evidence that...

Page 145

...and a bundle of something in its hand. I knew what the
clack-clacking was then;...

Page 146

...DO mind them. My pride is hurt, and my comfort is
impaired--destroyed, I might say....

Page 147

...that lived near me belonged to the
best families in the city. Our posterity appeared...

Page 148

...the night we have to climb out and roost in the trees---
and sometimes we are...

Page 149

...in the air--has been pretty free
and easy, and is all damaged and battered up till...

Page 150

...mean folks like the Jarvises, and the Bledsoes and Burlings, and such.
They are all about...

Page 151

...starts it off with a cheery screech like
raking a nail across a window-pane. Hey,...

Page 152

...they do not suit the remains that have
the honor to make these remarks. My...

Page 153

...them."

At that very moment a cock crowed, and the weird procession vanished and
left not a...

Page 154

...had chil'en--seven chil'en--an' we loved dem chil'en jist de
same as you loves yo' chil'en. ...

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...dem away, an' I begin to
cry; an' de man say, 'Shet up yo' damn blubberin','...

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...fine him ag'in; he was very
little, an' he had a sk-yar on his lef' wris'...

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...an' roun an' roun' an roun' dey went, enough
to make a body drunk to look...

Page 158

...clost under yo' face
now; an' I jist stopped RIGHT dah, an' never budged! jist gazed...

Page 159

...brother. By an understanding between themselves, Chang does all the
indoor work and Eng runs...

Page 160

...morning, listening to the fond foolishness of the two lovers,
and to the concussion of hundreds...

Page 161

...of course, that makes Chang drunk too.
This unfortunate thing has been a great sorrow to...

Page 162

...have noticed that the
Bible, with that plain, blunt honesty which is such a conspicuous
characteristic of...

Page 163

...----Alas!--------alas!"

--and so on. [Laughter.] I do not remember the rest; but, taken
together, it seems...

Page 164

...suggestion,
luminous with the glory of deeds that cannot die, hallowed by the loving
worship of the...

Page 165

...panes diminished to a tranquil
patter, and one by one the noises in the street subsided,...

Page 166

...a comforting laugh relaxed my lips and I
was happy again. I got up and...

Page 167

... I felt that I must have
light or die. I was weak with fear....

Page 168

...another crash, and another chair was resolved
into its original elements.

"Confound it, haven't you got any...

Page 169

...when I am there."

We talked along for half an hour, and then I noticed that...

Page 170

...habit, thrusting his hands
where his pantaloons pockets should have been, and meditatively dropping
his chin on...

Page 171

...countenance--so beautiful
and so heartless!"

"You're a dummy!"

"Oh, John!"

"Oh, fudge! Didn't you say you had six...

Page 172

... Shall be proud if my noble lord will
continue to honor me with his custom--ah,...

Page 173

...state of preservation.
The government at once took military possession of the statue, and
appointed a commission...

Page 174

...her nose. Ingenious Smith!--gifted Smith!--noble
Smith! Author of all our bliss! Hark! ...

Page 175

...But to me now there
is a charm about a railway collision that is unspeakable.

There is...

Page 176

...and
grave reflection? Here was a poor creature whom hard fortune had exiled
from his natural...

Page 177

...PAPER--[Written about 1870.]

I did not take temporary editorship of an agricultural paper without
misgivings. Neither...

Page 178

...with asperity, while he folded
his paper into a convenient shape. "I wish to read...

Page 179

...like the merciful
moonlight over a desolate landscape:

The guano is a...

Page 180

...them paragraphs over again, so as to be certain,
and then I burned my house down...

Page 181

...of the pole-cat on account of its playfulness
and its excellence as a ratter! Your...

Page 182

...novel line,
sensation, drama line, city-editor line, and finally fall back on
agriculture as a temporary reprieve...

Page 183

...as well touch him
up a little at the same time and make him ridiculous, and...

Page 184

...the way the
petrified man was sitting to explain to the public that he was a...

Page 185

...curse. And every day
during all those months the miners, his constituents (for miners never
quit...

Page 186

...to every creature in the land as a bachelor, and consequently
he could not murder his...

Page 187

...up to warn him that the whole thing was a fraud.
Presently his eyes spread wide...

Page 188

...in a little country-town like this. What did corpse
say?

"Corpse said, whitewash his old canoe...

Page 189

...them pick out the
tunes for the occasion, and he got them to sing 'Pop Goes...

Page 190

...the bed in the
morning, they receive not the suggestion in a friendly spirit; but,
glorying in...

Page 191

...any one particular old scrap
that you are more down on than any other, and which...

Page 192

...man from New Jersey, named
Williamson Breckinridge Caruthers, who was some six years her senior.
They were...

Page 193

...for the poor girl when she saw the surgeons reverently
bearing away the sack whose uses...

Page 194

...only chance I see for
you. It would have been a happy conceit on the...

Page 195

...he always experiences
in barbers' shops afterward till the end of his days. I got...

Page 196

...on the walls, of battles, early Presidents, and voluptuous
recumbent sultanas, and the tiresome and everlasting...

Page 197

...his hair with elaborate care,
plastering an inverted arch of it down on his forehead, accomplishing...

Page 198

...on soaking and powdering it forevermore, no doubt, if I had not
rebelled and begged off....

Page 199

...carries a brick to
admonish the erring with. The law has tried to break this...

Page 200

...as it was my duty to do; and I never was thanked for it in
a...

Page 201

...more together--get them together
in some convenient place, where he could have provisions enough for both
parties,...

Page 202

...conundrums
distributed around through his Treasury report would help the sale of it
more than all the...

Page 203

...the Navy said: "I recognize this youth as the person who
has been interfering with my...

Page 204

...don't know what all, connected
with conchology, and nobody had been able to find me.

This was...

Page 205

...thirty-six
dollars for clerkship salary. The Secretary of the Treasury, pursuing me
to the last, drew...

Page 206

...that man
has to slave his life out, fighting documents for the benefit of a nation
that...

Page 207

...being played unless I deal myself.

When I was two years of age she asked me...

Page 208

...I have yearned for a moment like this,
and--"

Here his feelings were too much for him,...

Page 209

...what you
call 'incline' maybe you go down five hundred feet, or maybe you don't go
down...

Page 210

...thing, even
though it were palpably demonstrated as such. Am I not right?"

I said, sorrowfully:...

Page 211

...said that he was not fluent in conversation,
but, with the above experience in my mind,...

Page 212

...vagrant rocks, whistled fiercely across the level desert, driving
the falling snow before it like spray...

Page 213

...chill when those words
were uttered.

"Within the hour conversation subsided to a low murmur here and...

Page 214

...Bowen of St. Louis.'

"MR. SLOTE: 'Gentlemen--I desire to decline in favor of Mr. John A....

Page 215

...do not wish to be understood as casting the
least reflection upon the high character and...

Page 216

...a choice. On the sixth, Mr. Harris was
elected, all voting for him but himself....

Page 217

...very good. I wrote his
wife so afterward. He was worthy of all praise....

Page 218

...a pleasant journey."

He was gone. I never felt so stunned, so distressed, so bewildered...

Page 219

...will contain the dreadful intelligence. A feeling of regret has
often come over me that...

Page 220

...was not sufficient to save him from the whispered insults of
such men as Casca, of...

Page 221

...to-day might thrive;
and when Cassias asked "What enterprise?" he only closed his left eye
temporarily and...

Page 222

...before
he could strike again, and before either of the others could strike at
all, Caesar stretched...

Page 223

...we go to press, the
chief of police is satisfied there is going to be a...

Page 224

...was a little rough on the
proprieties, so to speak--didn't seem to jibe with the general...

Page 225

...comes marching home!

"Some of the people giggled, and some groaned a little. The showman
couldn't...

Page 226

... "Come rise up, William Ri-i-ley,
...

Page 227

...the fire my
constitution succumbed to a severe cold, caused by undue exertion in
getting ready to...

Page 228

...custom in the early
stages of my cold, until I came across a lady who had...

Page 229

...cough all night.
By managing in this way, I made out to improve every hour in...

Page 230

...aggravate my disease by carelessness and
undue exposure.

I finally concluded to visit San Francisco, and the...

Page 231

...of feeling regarding these animals, and will be strictly
adhered to. The safety of the...

Page 232

... ...

Page 233

...which ten thousand miles of
phosphorescent seas and tedious lapse of time had since diminished to...

Page 234

...comet
--no gambling of any kind. All fixed stars will be respected by us, but
such...

Page 235

...it in secret,
there was a muddy undercurrent of discomfort "riling" the deeps of my
happiness, and...

Page 236

...rest of the campaign this paper never referred to me in
any other way than as...

Page 237

...public to summary and unlawful
vengeance upon the traducer. But...

Page 238

...at last! This is a case that admits of no shirking. The
...

Page 239

...silence.
Because he dare not speak. Every accusation against him...

Page 240

..."MARK TWAIN, I.P., M.T., B.S., D.T., F.C., and L.E."






A MYSTERIOUS VISIT


The first notice that was...

Page 241

...never would guess what I made lecturing this winter and last
spring?"

"No--don't believe I could, to...

Page 242

...several wealthy men in the city, but
when they came to trade with him he discovered...

Page 243

...went out and hired another artist.
By working on my vanity, the stranger had seduced me...

Page 244

...gentleman stands away up among the very best of the solid men of the
city--the men...